Forgiveness Is for the Forgiver

David Whyte writes:

Forgiveness is a heartache and difficult to achieve because, strangely, it not only refuses to eliminate the original wound but actually draws us closer to its source. To approach forgiveness is to close in on the nature of the hurt itself, the only remedy being, as we approach its raw centre, to reimagine our relation to it. (Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words)

The Torah reports: “Esau ran to greet Jacob. He embraced him and, falling on his neck, he kissed him; and they wept.” (Genesis 33)

It is a remarkable turn of events. Twenty years earlier Jacob stole his brother Esau’s birthright, and Esau then threatened to kill Jacob forcing him to run for his life. Now, Jacob is terrified about meeting his brother. He presents him with an endless stream of gifts. Jacob bows before him but offers no apology. He does not even acknowledge his wrong.

And yet Esau runs toward his brother to forgive him. Despite Jacob’s fears Esau no longer wants to kill his brother. This dramatic reconciliation is initiated by Esau rather than Jacob.

David Whyte again,

To forgive is to put oneself in a larger gravitational field of experience than the one that first seemed to hurt us. We reimagine ourselves in the light of our maturity and we reimagine the past in the light of our new identity; we allow ourselves to be gifted by a story larger than the story that first hurt us and left us bereft.

Perhaps forgiveness comes because Esau needs it. He wants to rewrite his story. He wants to let go of his justified anger and his understandable resentment. He wants to heal his own pain. Esau becomes our unexpected and unlikely hero.

We learn from him that sometimes forgiveness is not motivated by the wrongdoer’s honest reflection. It does not come from an acknowledgment of the wrongdoing but instead because the forgiver needs it.

Forgiveness has the power to transform the person who grants it more than the one who receives it.

Once we realize this, we come to understand that we might need to offer forgiveness more than we need to accept it. Only then can we become the forgotten hero of our Torah.

Only then can we write a new story for ourselves.