Don’t Embarrass Others

After years of discord Joseph and his brothers finally make up.

This week the moment arrives when Joseph reveals himself and offers forgiveness. He pushes aside the painful memory of when his brothers almost killed him but instead sell him into slavery. They cast aside the moments and when Joseph bragged to them that their father loved him the most.

Now the brothers stand before Joseph, pleading for their brother Benjamin, but still unaware of Joseph’s identity. They appear to have changed. They are no longer the jealous lot who conspired against him.

Joseph’s emotions overtake him, and he can no longer hold back his tears. He cries out, “Have everyone withdraw from me!” Joseph said to his brothers, “I am your brother Joseph, he whom you sold into Egypt.” (Genesis 45)

The commentators ask why Joseph insisted that only his brothers remain in the room when he reveals himself. Is it because this moment of reconciliation is so intimate that it can only be shared by family? No outsider should witness it. The tradition suggests even more. Joseph does not want to shame his brothers. He is a mensch.

Rabbi Samuel bar Nahman remarks: Joseph placed himself in an extremely precarious position, for if his brothers had killed him, not a single person would have been aware of it. Why did he then say: “Have everyone withdraw from me!”? It is because Joseph said to himself: “I would rather die than shame my brothers before the Egyptians.” (Midrash Tanchuma Vayigash)

The tradition is emphatic about the need to avoid shaming others. Although wrongdoers deserve rebuke, they do not deserve embarrassment. Joseph’s brothers must acknowledge their wrongdoing. They must show that they have changed and that they would no longer harm someone, especially a family member. They do not need to be shamed.

Too often we confuse public shaming with the acknowledgment of wrongdoing. Public officials release press releases apologizing for their wrongs. They are shamed in the press but avoid saying “I’m sorry” to the individuals they have wronged.

Saying “I’m sorry,” however, is best done privately and between the people seeking repair.

Making amends is best kept within the family. It is not about the larger group. It is about the individuals.